Write about a hesitation.

I'm hesitating sending a letter to Laura to reconnect with her to write the book about parallel lives. I am hesitating (1) because I am still angry about her reading my mail from Ethel and Karen, and that she called Karen; (2) because I really don't want to be rejected by her a third time; (3) because I don't know if I can do the story justice with my writing; (4) because I don't know if I can trust Laura to tell the truth; (5) because . . . I can't think of another because. I also hesitate because I'm going to have to humble myself and let go of my stupid indignation at the things she said to me and her breach of my privacy. Of course, I could always seek out her sister-in-law, Sylvia, who is wicked like my sister-in-law, Karyn,. Wicked and mean, both of them.

I hesitate because I want to be in control of the project. I'm the writer; Laura is the artist. Simple as that. I have the idea, I'll do the writing, she gives me the information. It's a 60/40 partnership. I want this book published. I want to be on TV. I want people to look at my story and be wowed! I have to begin small, maybe with magazine stories. I need more training for my writing. This is another reason I hesitate. Am I a good enough writer?

Hesitation. Azim taught me to wait 72 hours when there is an important decision to be made. I've thought about the letter I wrote to Laura. I want to change the order of the things I address with her. The indignation should be at the end, not at the outset; she may not finish reading the letter if I lead with my indignation. Also, so I mention I know about her nervous breakdown and time in the mental hospital? It might clear the air for her. She never admitted it to me. Well, she may be driven by the need for money. I just wonder how greedy she is!

Also, how do I keep her on track? I hesitate because I am not sure I can trust her to do what she's supposed to do. Or, maybe I don't trust myself, either.

Anyway, my birthday is next week, as is Thanksgiving. Might be a good time of the year to get my proposition accepted. Okay, so I really don't want to hesitate any longer. I'm going to send my letter and see what happens. I've nothing to lose and very much to gain. Okay! So where is that letter?

Returning takes too long.

December 28, 2001

Aswan, Egypt

Returning to Egypt to sort out the final, tangible loose ends of my relationship takes too long, which also translates to takes too much energy, and takes too much money, and may take me too long to recover from any inconvenient truths I may uncover along the way. I have my truth. I guard it fiercely with white lies, black lies, red, green, yellow, purple, and pink lies. I've compartmentalized my relationship with Azim very nicely, and to return to take it, examine it, analyze it, and try to uncover the truth about it takes too long. My truth is tied up very nicely and is resting on a precipice high above a raging river, safe from the snapping jaws of alligators . . . word, word, word, word?

Returning to rewrite with more truth than fiction his relationship with wife No. 1 takes too long. Even trying to decide how to unravel it takes too long.

Returning takes too long

and you're too long gone

to find the truth

in the dust you have become.

What purpose would it serve

to return to March 2000?

to December 2001?

to November 2004?

to December 2007?

to go back in time.

Returning takes too long

And, anyway, you're no longer there.

Returning in a time machine would be nice.

To be able to do it over again
to do it right
to make it right
Then returning would be worth the effort.

But returning the way things are now, with no assurance of outcome, is a scary prospect. Do I really want the truth? The truth may devastate me, and take too long for me to recover from.

Returning definitely takes too long.