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| My sweet habibty Irvine Park, Orange County, California March 2004 |
When speaking with Nesma the other day, she told me that her
father taught her how to get anything she wants from a man . . . and that she
never fails to get what she wants from a man. Azim loved his daughter
very much, so much that he felt he had to choose between her and me. Now
that I know Nesma as a young woman, I understand why Azim couldn't make his
choice, and why he chose instead to let himself die.
I do not know about all women, but what I don't know about love
is why no one has ever loved me completely. It seems to me that men love
most deeply the women they feel they can't have. Fox was that way when we
dated; then the minute, and I mean the minute we were married, he
turned into an asshole.
Why do men say "I love you," then cheat?
Why do men say "I love you," then say cruel words
that undermine the woman's self-confidence?
Why do men say "I love you," and allow their actions
to prove the contrary?
It has been my experience that no matter the man -- his age,
his race, his degree of religious conviction, his level of education, his
socioeconomic status -- he will pursue me relentlessly until he catches me,
then spend the balance of our relationship breaking me down.
One good thing about being broken down so many times is that
each time there is less and less to break. So each time I have less and
less to invest emotionally, and the pain is less when his deceptions are
revealed and the relationships ends.
Azim loved me until the end of his
life; I will love Azim until the end of my life.
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